Going into motherhood, I remember being nervous about how my life would change. What parts of me would I have to sacrifice? Would "mom" be my only identity, or would I be seen as a whole person? And most of all, who beyond my family would walk with me through it all?
These were valid concerns, because it turns out that only 35% of mothers are very satisfied with their friendships.
At Barna Group, we’re researching the state of mothers in the United States with MOPS International. We are rallying around this work because it really hits home for everyone on this project; most involved Barna team members, from the researchers to the writers, are mothers. Furthermore, strategically supporting mothers is an important conversation that, unfortunately, we see few leaders having right now.
The full report on the state of motherhood releases later this year, but in our analysis we found a big surprise that we couldn’t wait to share:
AFFORDABLE, THOUGHTFUL AND LOVELY THINGS TO DO FOR YOUR MOM ON MOTHER'S DAY
The top need and struggle for mothers is their community, and this harms their quality of life.
For this study, we surveyed a broad range of mothers with children under the age of 18 – those who are married, single, representing various religions and faith affiliations, and across the geographic and economic spectrum.
For our research, we defined a community as "a group of people living in the same place or having a particular characteristic in common." So a mom’s community could include her friendship circles, supportive family, or other spaces or relationships outside of her home where she feels she belongs.
Considering how we defined "community" quite broadly, it was a red flag when we discovered that so many mothers today are dissatisfied with their communities, specifically in three areas:
Trust. A majority of mothers (70%) say they do not trust their community to care for their children.
Authenticity. Only one in five mothers (20%) feels she can be vulnerable and share her faults and weaknesses with friends or others in her community.
Belonging. Only one in four mothers (28%) believes she is valued by her community. And one in five (19%) regularly feels she is able to meaningfully contribute to the world.
Why are so many mothers discontent? Our previous research shows moms carry the primary logistical, emotional and spiritual responsibility at home. Perhaps this creates a culture where it’s difficult to give up responsibility to others and to trust others to meaningfully offer support and genuinely add value to one’s life.
We also found that 56% of moms say stress increased during the COVID-19 pandemic. Maybe their discontentment is, in part, a lingering result of pandemic-fueled anxiety, exhaustion and self-care neglect – struggles for many that have not yet resolved themselves.
We can also infer how social media has dramatically compounded the societal pressures for mothers to be perfect and "do it all" when it comes to their spouse, home, kids and job, creating environments where women struggle to be genuine with others.
GOD SEES YOU, MOTHERS, AND IS CHEERING YOU ON NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE IN YOUR JOURNEY
However, one insight from our research offered hope: one-on-one community.
Four in five moms (81%) say they have a confidant: one close friend they trust to share feelings and personal stories with who is not a spouse or significant other. The data clearly shows that the impact a single trusted friend can have on a mother is powerful, influencing everything from her outlook on life, to goals she sets for herself, to job and home satisfaction.
On the flip side, when looking at the one in five who do not have a confidant, we see that younger Gen Z moms and single moms who have never been married are significantly more likely to fall into this group (only 65% and 66% have a confidant, respectively). Great areas of need emerge for these mothers as they score much lower when we look at how they rate their well-being, satisfaction with their vocation, marriage, home life and more, as well as their ability to have rhythms of rest and self-care.
While some of these findings are alarming, just knowing this data is not enough to help mothers thrive. As the people who are in mothers’ circles, what should our response be?
The community in a mom’s life can help create and honor safe spaces for rest, authenticity, healthy boundaries and realistic expectations; furthermore, it can affirm a woman’s self-worth within and beyond the role she plays in her family.
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I was fortunate enough to find a community I could lean on when I first became a mom. But if you’re a mother who doesn’t have trusted friends, a close confidant or who is exhausted by social pressures, know this:
You are seen. You are heard. Your experiences and struggles are validated by this research. It’s understandable that you might feel isolated or uncertain about community, but you are worthy of the value found in friendships when they are authentically embraced.
