Happy Wednesday, everybody. Tonight's monologue is dedicated to all our friends on the left who are failing upward. Leading the charge, VP Kamala Harris. It's the only time she's ever led. And congrats. According to a new poll from NBC, which is like a news network, but with Chuck Todd, Kamala is the most unpopular VP in recorded history. Think about that. She beat out Al Gore, some guy named Biden and even Dick Cheney and he shot a guy in the face. He had it coming, though, I think. I really don't know that story too well. Anyway, so who says women can't beat men when given the chance? Yes, ladies, you too, could suck every bit as much as men. She truly is the Bud Light of veeps. Roll the latest Sven.
VIDEO FO KAMALA HARRIS AND ANDY BRAVO DANCING
That was brutal. I haven't heard so much forced laughter since Kimmel hosted the Oscars. It was more uncomfortable than Hunter Biden on bring your daughter to work day. But even with Kamala's approval numbers in CNN territory, she's still a heartbeat away from the presidency. And when I say a heartbeat, I'm assuming that Joe still has one. He isn't even working at half-speed anymore. Here he is talking about Putin.
REPORTER: To what extent has Vladimir Putin been weakened by recent events?
PRESIDENT BIDEN: It's hard to tell, but he's clearly losing the war in Iraq. He's losing the war at home.
Oh, my God. We are in some deep trouble. Hey, Iraq, Ukraine, tomato, tomatoe. Let's just invade both. Still, the Dems want Kamala right beside the president, perhaps in case he falls. At this point, she's less a vice president and more a visiting angel.
VIDEO FROM VISITING ANGELS
If only that were true. At least then she'd be useful. Instead, she disappears for days or weeks, only to be found in Joe's kitchen, lacing his Ensure with Prestone. She's like a cicada surfacing occasionally to make an annoying noise. Her staff hates her. She really is the Janice Dean of politicians.
KAMALA HARRIS, GAFFE MACHINE: VP'S PUBLIC APPEARANCES MARKED BY AWKWARD MOMENTS, CONTROVERSIES
I know. It's all the scuttlebutt. Still, her chances of going from VP to P continue to rise. But isn't this all supposed to work the other way around? Aren't we supposed to be rewarding success and not failure? I mean, how about Karine Jean-Pierre? She just goes to show you you could be historic and still suck.
KARINE JEAN-PIERRE: Many things that made me incredibly proud to be at that podium during this historic moment. Again, this is a historic administration. I'm a historic figure and I certainly walk in history every day.
You're not supposed to tell people you're historic. Other people tell you that you're historic, OK? And you are historic. You're the first press secretary ever to rely solely on the Fifth Amendment. Meanwhile, as mayor of South Bend, Pete Buttigieg presided over a 75% rise in crime, including record homicides. There would have been even more drive-by shootings if it weren't for all the potholes. True, the streets, had more gaping wounds than Sonny Corleone at a toll booth. But all Biden cared about was that the guy married a dude, and the new job would be his honeymoon. What could go wrong? Right? No wonder the nation's tarmacs are a mess and no one seems to care. And wait, did the teachers union actually force our schools to stay closed? And your kids can't read or write at grade level anymore? Then why not give Randi Weingarten a gig with Homeland Security's School Safety Board? Just absolutely no security background. But then again, her face alone could scare off the Wagner group.
But you see a trend, don't you? It's as plain as the bolts in John Fetterman's neck. When the rest of us fail, something admittedly I know very little about, we take our lumps and we walk away. But when the less chosen ones flunk, and boy, do they ever, their careers defy gravity like Jerry Nadler's pants. Look at that. How is that? How does that stay up? Anthony Fauci, who presided over grants of US tax dollars to the Chinese lab that almost certainly invented COVID. Well, he'll soon join the staff at Georgetown as a distinguished professor of infectious diseases. After all, who's a better expert of infectious diseases than the president of its fan club?
And what do former New York Mayor Bill de Blasio and former Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot have in common? You know, other than making up one-half of the Addams Family? That's true! More like 2/5. They're both teaching at Harvard. You know the crime rate in those classes are going to skyrocket. I hope there's extra credit for public urination. And what about fired S.F. D.A. Chesa Boudin? Well, he went to Berkeley Law. Disgraced FBI Director James Comey went to Columbia Law and Hillary Clinton? She went to Columbia's School of Public Affairs. Public Affairs. Yeah, I'll just say them anyway.
But it does sound like a course her husband should be teaching. I mean, you could even lose the L and it would still work. Less than one would be the proper use of cigars. But, hey in Hillary's defense, I hear she's a killer behind the podium and in Jeffrey Epstein's jail cell. What are you booing for? Look, we all know that academia is where lefty failures go to make future lefty failures. But for all their education, no one taught them the meaning of meritocracy.
It's supposed to be one of America's basic principles. It inspires achievement and excellence. You reward success and the nation gets stronger. Ignore that and you have a round-robin of cronyism that undermines quality in our roads, our schools, our government, our leaders. But if America is going to survive and compete with nations that actually send their kids to school, we better stop protecting and rewarding failures just because they check a box. But since I'm a glass-half-full kind of guy and I am, if we do end up with four more years of Kamala, at least we always got the bongos.
VIDEO OF KAMALA HARRIS SPEAKING WHILE BONGOS PLAY IN THE BACKGROUND
