So, talk about a spirited debate. Eight people, different ages, backgrounds, talents — and that was just in my bedroom. Eventually, the SWAT team was able to corral Kudlow. Also, we had the first Republican presidential debate.
Each of the candidates tried to show why they would do a better job as president than the absentee-in-chief. So, how'd they all do? The truth is, the entire debate was driven by one Indian guy — just like my Uber today.
ANNOUNCER: A racist would say.
That you would even laugh at something like that says a lot about your taste in comedy. Vivek certainly made his presence known. First of all, his teeth are amazing. He makes Donny Osmond look like Johnny Depp. But how weird was it that he was the focal point and not DeSantis?
He became the catalyst for the most interesting discussions. He brought the fire, the ideas and that tremendous forehead. Yeah, you could show a double feature on that thing, but at the same time, not one after the other, because that's what normally a double feature is. But you would be doing it on two separate screens on his forehead. I'm glad I explained this for you. But it was Vivek who provoked the most contentious debates.
MIKE PENCE: Let me explain it to you Vivek, if I can. I'll go slower this time... Now is not the time for on-the-job training. We don't need to bring in a rookie.
CHRIS CHRISTIE: A guy who sounds like ChatGPT, stand up here... The last person in one of these debates, Bret, who stood in the middle of the stage and said, "What's a skinny guy with an odd last name doing up here," was Barack Obama, and I'm afraid we're dealing with the same type of amateur standing on stage tonight.
NIKKI HALEY: You have no foreign policy experience and it shows.
Wow, talk about some hot Indian-on-Indian action right there. If Joe Biden had just turned on the debate, he'd think 7-Eleven started a talk show. For those of you who don't remember, that was Joe Biden's line. After that, Nikki picked a fight with Tim Scott by hitting him on spending — a woman complaining about spending? That's got to be a first.
ANNOUNCER: A sexist would say.
I'm looking at the people that laughed at both the racist and sexist thing. Truth is, Nikki did have a good night, even if she played the woman card, but Vivek and Nikki both demonstrate the changes that are going on in the Republican Party as the Dems become the party of miserable, single people with graduate degrees in English.
The Republicans have quietly become the stewards of the American dream for immigrants and the working class — you know, the very thing the Dems pretended they are. Meanwhile, the Republican Party has become so inclusive, they only kept one Black guy out. That's funny, you jerks. I have no patience today. But it's where the energy in the party is. It's where the fresh ideas are.
It's where the future lies, which brings us to this fellow. Now, I know he sounds great, but he looks like a wax figure of himself. Doesn't he feel like the past, like looking at a picture of your metal shop teacher in your yearbook? He had the roughest hands. Only eight fingers, but that added to his charm.
REPUBLICAN DEBATE HIGHLIGHTS: 5 MEMORABLE MOMENTS FROM MILWAUKEE SLUGFEST
Ron DeSantis had a good night, but not memorable. He scored on crime, Soros prosecutors, but do we need to see the clips? Not really, it's weird, You know, Florida is booming and this guy defied the lockdowns, and he fired two Soros prosecutors.
Yet when he puts on his tough guy voice, he sounds like a pissed-off Barney Fife. It's not fair, really. Of course, there's Tim Scott. Great story. Great guy, but why did he leave halfway through? Made no sense. Probably wanted to get home for Gutfeld, and the joke's on him — it was preempted. Christie started off subdued. He was so quiet, I could hear his stomach growling. But then he found his favorite little spot and went after Trump.
CHRIS CHRISTIE: Someone's got to stop normalizing this conduct... Whether or not you believe that the criminal charges are right or wrong, the conduct is beneath the office of president of the United States... This is the great thing about this country — booing is allowed, but it doesn't change the truth.
Of course, Trump wasn't there, and I've won a few fights like that as well, but without the opponent, it feels like shadow-boxing. There was this other guy there, too, you know, way at the end. Was he one of the ushers? He's got a great look, though, not for president of the United States, but definitely the governor of Transylvania. Asa Hutchinson wins in the comb-over category. This candidate had a cover-up even before taking office.
REPUBLICANS REACT TO FIRST GOP DEBATE PERFORMANCES: 'VIVEK WAS THE LIGHTNING ROD'
And of course, Bret and Martha, they did exceptional. They were like two substitute teachers trying to control the naughty kids at high school detention. Maybe next time give them super-soakers filled with cat pee. So as we gain some distance from the debate, I think what we'll remember is Vivek challenging the establishment and having fun doing it. Is he ready for the presidency?
I don't know, but why not? I mean, Biden was ready. Look what he did. The less ready, the better. And true, I have underwear older than Vivek, but I stole them from Stuart Varney. I usually go commando, but this was just the first of many debates. It was fun and very American, and let's not get too hysterical over it.
The truth is, nobody really laid a glove on Trump, he's got a bigger lead than Jimmy Failla in an ugly jacket contest. The other candidates are basically playing for second place, much like MSNBC or Jesse Waters. But as the country gets to know these other candidates, Trump may have to show up at some point. Otherwise, he risks the voters getting comfortable with some of these new faces, which makes me wonder, what did Biden think of the debate?
TOM SHILLUE AS BIDEN: Hey, hey. I told you, don't bother me while I'm doing my pilates, alright? I'll answer all your questions after I do this plank. One, two, three, four, five, six...
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