Behind a polished smile lies a hidden emotional predator—covert narcissists manipulate through guilt, martyrdom, and subtle control, leaving deep psychological scars on families and communities.

(PRUnderground) March 30th, 2025

They may lead community groups, volunteer at charities, or serve on school boards. Outwardly, they seem generous, confident, and approachable—pillars of society. But behind the polished image, covert narcissists often hide in plain sight, quietly damaging relationships, families, and workplaces.

Unlike overt narcissists—who are loud, boastful, and attention-seeking—covert narcissists appear humble, sensitive, and even empathetic. But this empathy is often performative, masking a fragile ego constantly seeking validation.

“Covert narcissists are some of the most confusing personalities to encounter,” says Michael Halyard, LPCC, LMFT, a San Francisco-based psychotherapist. “They may seem emotionally available, but their empathy is often a tool for control and impression management.”

Halyard goes in depth in his webpages https://www.sanfrancisco-psychotherapy.com/estrangement and https://www.sanfrancisco-psychotherapy.com/narcissistic-parents and operates the Facebook pages https://www.facebook.com/estrangement.project and https://www.facebook.com/NarcissisticAbuseTherapy.

Driven by deep insecurity, covert narcissists gravitate toward roles that boost their status—leadership positions, spiritual communities, or humanitarian work—using these platforms to gain admiration without revealing their narcissistic traits.

They often exaggerate successes, claim credit for achievements, and deflect blame onto others. Subtle competition, passive-aggressive behavior, and backhanded compliments are common. While they may avoid direct conflict, they manipulate through guilt, victimhood, or quiet superiority.

One of the most damaging expressions of covert narcissism is found in parenting. These parents often project their insecurities onto their children, blaming them for their own stress or disappointment. A child or adult child may be labeled “difficult” or “ungrateful,” and blamed for the parent’s unfulfilled life.

This dynamic often creates a family scapegoat—a child who becomes the target of blame and criticism, regardless of their behavior. The scapegoat absorbs the family’s unspoken shame and dysfunction, allowing others to avoid facing deeper emotional wounds. In truth, the child becomes a vessel for the parent’s unresolved pain.

“These parents might say things like, ‘You ruined my life’ or ‘I gave up everything for you,’” Halyard explains. “Over time, the child internalizes this blame and may grow up feeling confused, anxious, and deeply self-critical.”

Covert narcissists also struggle with splitting—a defense mechanism that casts others as either all-good or all-bad. At first, they idealize new people. But once others fail to meet their unrealistic expectations, they quickly devalue and discard them.

“What’s chilling is how normal they can seem,” Halyard adds. “They don’t always seek attention openly. Sometimes they whisper it—through humble-brags, passive-aggression, or martyrdom. They can go unnoticed for years, especially in emotionally intelligent environments, where emotional language is mistaken for emotional depth.”

Recognizing covert narcissism is essential for those caught in confusing or emotionally draining relationships. Understanding these patterns helps survivors realize the gaslighting, inconsistency, and emotional coldness they’ve experienced are real—and not their fault.

About Michael Halyard, LPCC, LMFT

Michael Halyard is a licensed psychotherapist based in San Francisco, offering compassionate, results-driven support for individuals and couples seeking growth, clarity, and lasting change. With over 20 years of experience, he integrates evidence-based therapies to help clients navigate anxiety, burnout, relationship challenges, and life transitions. In-person and virtual sessions are available.

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