San Francisco psychotherapist Michael Travis Halyard, LPCC, LMFT explains how covert narcissistic parents may appear selfless, but their generosity is short lived and promptly shifts into victimhood.
SAN FRANCISCO, CA, April 01, 2025 /24-7PressRelease/ -- A growing body of psychological research and firsthand accounts is shining a light on a complex and often misunderstood pattern in family relationships: covert narcissistic parents who appear generous, nurturing, or selfless — but whose actions are driven more by control, image management, or emotional manipulation than by genuine care.
These individuals may be parents, guardians, or other authority figures who seem outwardly kind and supportive — stepping in during times of crisis, offering unsolicited help, or making conspicuous sacrifices. To outsiders, they may appear devoted, even saintly. But behind closed doors, the reality for their child or adult children can be far more troubling.
"When the underlying motivation is rooted in control rather than compassion, the relational dynamic shifts in subtle but damaging ways," says Michael Travis Halyard, LPCC, LMFT, a San Francisco-based psychotherapist who specializes in narcissistic family dynamics. "The parent positions themselves as a 'hero' when it elevates their image — and then quickly assumes the role of 'victim' when they feel underappreciated or challenged."
This emotional bait-and-switch, Halyard explains, is a hallmark of covert narcissism. After performing a "kind" act, the parent may express resentment, play the martyr, or imply that their efforts were a burden — making the recipient feel guilty or emotionally indebted. Over time, this dynamic creates an invisible web of obligation, eroding the child or adult child's sense of autonomy and emotional freedom.
"It's not just about the act of giving — it's about the psychological strings that are attached," Halyard notes. "The child or adult child may feel an unspoken pressure to comply, to stay loyal, or to suppress their own needs and boundaries in order to maintain peace."
Halyard goes more in depth in his webpages https://www.sanfrancisco-psychotherapy.com/estrangement and https://www.sanfrancisco-psychotherapy.com/narcissistic-parents and operates the Facebook pages https://www.facebook.com/estrangement.project and https://www.facebook.com/narcissisticabusetherapy.
In many cases, the child or adult child in this dynamic is cast as the family scapegoat — the one who is unfairly blamed, misunderstood, or pathologized when family tensions arise. "The scapegoat role is central to maintaining the parent's illusion of benevolence," Halyard explains. "By projecting dysfunction or ingratitude onto their child, the narcissistic parent avoids accountability and reinforces their own narrative as the well-meaning but unappreciated parent." This false narrative can be particularly damaging, leading the scapegoated individual to internalize shame, self-doubt, and a distorted sense of responsibility for family conflict.
This manipulative cycle — shifting between benevolence and self-pity — can leave the child or adult child confused, conflicted, and questioning their own reality. Many report feeling trapped in relationships where love is conditional, communication is indirect, and emotional independence is quietly punished.
In more extreme cases, covert narcissistic parents may escalate their behavior by devaluing or discarding the adult child altogether — often in the form of estrangement. Rather than working through conflict or accepting their child's individuality, the parent may cut off contact abruptly, casting themselves as the abandoned or wronged party.
"Estrangement is often used as the ultimate form of control," Halyard explains. "It's a way to punish autonomy — to say, 'If you don't play the role I need you to play, then you don't get to be in my life at all.'" This sudden withdrawal can be devastating and disorienting for the adult child, who may internalize blame or feel pressured to reconcile without their boundaries being respected.
Mental health professionals urge individuals who suspect they are caught in this dynamic to look for recurring signs: conditional generosity ("I did this for you — now you owe me"), chronic self-victimization ("No one ever appreciates me"), triangulation (using others to apply pressure or stir division), guilt-based control ("After all I've done, this is how you treat me?"), and emotional cutoffs disguised as self-protection.
Healing from covert narcissistic abuse often requires unraveling deeply ingrained patterns and learning to differentiate true support from manipulative giving. Therapy can be a powerful space for survivors to gain clarity, build self-trust, and develop boundaries that honor their emotional sovereignty.
Michael Travis Halyard, LPCC, LMFT is a licensed psychotherapist based in San Francisco, California. He specializes in helping individuals recover from narcissistic abuse, develop healthy boundaries, and reclaim their authentic voice. His integrative approach blends compassion with practical tools for healing and empowerment.
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